After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
