Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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