My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
