I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
