i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
