As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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