Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
