I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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