Michael Bay diarrhea
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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