Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
