I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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