i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
