I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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