so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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