There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
