I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
