More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
