she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When did angry sex become our thing?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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