i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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