She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize