Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
