I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
