Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
