I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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