Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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