so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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