Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
