how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
