the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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