saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
