when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
