Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
