If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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