just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
