I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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