yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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