he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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