six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
