I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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