Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
