A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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