I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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