I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
