Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
