Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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