i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
