so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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