Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
