This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
