my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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