i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
