Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
