1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
