Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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