dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
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i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
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A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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