How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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