A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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