I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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