I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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