One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I want a musical about memes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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