I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
