everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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