my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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